Next To You
by evitascarlett
Summary: An Apologize Deleted Scene: It was so nice to be close to him once again and she wanted to cling to the feeling as long as possible. Johanna just wanted him to stay, she wanted to be next to him...but the question was, did Jim want to be next to her?


_Authors Note: This scene between Jim and Johanna occurs two nights after the shooting incident that happened at the end of Ch 7 and continued into Ch 8 of Apologize. This scene was intended for the beginning of Ch 9, but I did a small time jump after the opening scene of that chapter and this scene got left behind._

Next To You – Deleted Scene

Jim glanced at his watch as he leaned back against the pillows on one side of the hotel bed. His wife occupied the other side, her eyes fixed on the closing moments of the movie they had been watching on TV. It was nearly midnight, he should probably head home. There was a touch of reluctance at that thought, he had been there with her since early in the day and he had to admit that it had been nice and cozy…and like old times. But he should go, he reminded himself.

"I better head home," he said, breaking the companionable silence between them.

"Already?" Johanna asked; hating the thought of him leaving.

He smiled. "It'll be midnight in about two minutes."

Her gaze flicked to the clock on the nightstand. She had changed into her nightgown a few hours before but she hadn't realized that it had gotten quite so late. "I guess I lost track of time," she murmured.

"So did I," he replied. "But it was nice…"

"It was," she agreed.

"I better go," Jim said once again.

"You could stay," Johanna softly suggested. "It's late and you're tired…"

Jim rubbed the back of his neck as he debated the merits of that offer. It wasn't like he hadn't stayed before; he had stayed two nights ago when she had been grazed by that bullet but that had been different. It wasn't that he didn't want to be there with her, he did…but they still weren't sure of anything. They didn't know why someone had taken a shot at her or what her reappearance would bring in terms of danger.

"I don't know, Johanna," he said hesitantly as he looked into her somewhat hopeful eyes.

"I'll stay on my own side," she promised; feeling her heart twist painfully at his reluctance. She just wanted him to stay. She just wanted to continue to be close to him as she had been all evening. It didn't relieve the ache of longing but it eased it enough to make it bearable.

He was torn; his heart telling him to accept, his brain reminding him that he thought it was best to take things slow between them, just in case. He needed to keep some small measure of protection around his heart in case impending danger left her no choice but to flee again. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much this time; he'd know she was alive and that she was safe…that they hadn't fully resumed their marriage. He didn't even like having to think that. He didn't want her to leave again, he didn't want her under the threat of danger and yet deep inside he knew she was despite her insistence that the shooting incident had been a coincidence…and he knew that she didn't believe that anymore than he did.

Johanna tried not squirm as her husband remained silent, his gaze fixed on some invisible point on the wall as she watched his thought process play out in his eyes and upon his features. He didn't want to stay. She shouldn't have asked. It was too soon…and she had to accept the fact that he may never want to stay with her. Her head bowed at that thought, her throat growing tight as she forced herself not to cry. She couldn't let him see her cry this time, he'd feel bad and she didn't want that. It wasn't his fault, it was hers. She shouldn't have asked…she had no right. Jim had only stayed the night of the shooting out of obligation and a need to feel like he was protecting her. Sure, he said that they'd need to start over and when she asked if he wanted her to leave, he had said no…but that didn't mean he wanted to spend the night with her; even though the only thing on her mind had been sleep. She had slept so much better that night Jim had stayed with her…the first good night's sleep she had truly had in years…despite the fact that she had been shot at. Jim made her feel safe and warm; he made her feel like herself again…and she just wanted to lay next to him tonight, even if she had to force herself to remain in one place all night so that she didn't touch him. Just knowing that he was there would be enough…but he didn't want to sleep next to her…and she didn't blame him.

She had a feeling that he was trying to think of a way to let her down easy. He wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. It would be best if she just went ahead and left him off the hook and took the strain off of him. Tension had rapidly been filling the room ever since she had allowed herself to utter the word 'Stay' and she hated herself for it. Johanna forced a wobbly smile to her lips even as tears stung her eyes. "Let me know you got home safely, okay?" she told him; doing her best to keep her tone light as she scooted off the bed and began to move in the direction of the door. "You can just send me a text if you want, you don't have to call but I'd like to know you got home safely."

"Jo," he said; trailing off as he met her gaze and saw the shimmer of tears despite the smile she had pasted on her face for him.

She shook her head. "It's okay, Jim; I shouldn't have asked. It's just that it's so good to be next to you again and I guess I just like to cling to that feeling as much as possible but I know that we're going slow. I was being impatient and pushy again, and I'm sorry. I need to stop doing that. I keep trying to and yet it just seems to keep happening. I…I'll do better…I don't want to end up talking to your voicemail like I do with Katie."

"I wouldn't do that, Johanna."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did…and I am sorry about putting you on the spot tonight. You know how I am, sometimes I just say things without thinking, it's always been a bad habit," she rambled; because she knew as long as she kept rambling that she wouldn't cry.

Jim moved off of her bed and started toward her but she only turned and resumed her trek to the door to let him out. He hadn't really made up his mind but it looked like she had made it up for him and he berated himself for putting her in that position. "Johanna," he said quietly as he paused in front of her, reaching out and laying his hand on top of hers as she gripped the door handle to keep her from pulling it open.

Once again she gave a shake of her head. "It's alright, honey," she murmured; and that old term of endearment that she had always used in relation to him went straight to his heart, making him squeeze her hand gently.

"It's not that I…"

"You don't have to explain," she interrupted. "I understand. I guess I just got caught up in being with you so much today and this evening. I don't have a right to ask more of you."

"You're my wife."

"Some wife," she scoffed.

His free hand moved, gently grasping her chin and forcing her to look at him. "Don't talk like that," he told her. "I don't like what happened but neither do you. You did the right thing in going with the F.B.I., I just wish it could've been done a different way. We all got hurt but at least you're alive, and I am thankful for that…because I've prayed for it more times than you can imagine."

Johanna gave a slight acknowledging nod of her head as she gently maneuvered her chin from his grasp. "You'll let me know that you got home okay?" she asked; suddenly needing him to go.

Jim nodded; allowing his hand to brush her arm. "Yeah, I'll let you know."

She gave him a wobbly smile and pulled the door open for him. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he whispered as he stepped across the threshold and into the hallway. "You lock the door…I'll see you tomorrow."

"I promise," she said softly, closing the door on him, knowing he'd stand there until he heard the lock slide into place.

Johanna stood by the door, listening to the sound of his footsteps as he walked away. It hurt...and she should be used to that kind of pain, she'd been living with it for so long…but tonight the ache felt a little sharper and she drifted to the window to catch one more glimpse of him as he went to his car. Finally he came into sight and he must've sensed that she was watching because he turned and looked up at her window as he stood by his car. She gave him a small wave, a rebellious tear breaking free and sliding down her cheek. She doubted that he'd be able to see it from the parking lot but she closed the blind anyway, blocking their view of each other. She didn't want to watch him drive away…it would only bring back bad memories. Instead she turned away from the window and moved across the room, dropping her robe at the foot of the bed before pulling the covers down and slipping between the sheets. She turned off the lights but left the television on, an old habit that kept her from feeling so alone in the darkness that crowded around her. Johanna reached for the pillow that Jim had been leaning back against and she pulled it close, it smelled like him…she'd have to make do with that.

She had to make do with a lot of things; in Wyoming she had to make do with memories. Now she had to make do with the small amount of closeness she was allowed and the scent of his cologne that was always left behind when he was gone. It was never enough…and yet she wasn't allowed to have more. That was the price she had to pay.

* * *

Jim sat his car, staring up at the now darkened window of Johanna's room. A part of him hated himself for leaving her as he remembered the glimmer of tears in her green eyes. She was lonely; she was hurting, she was struggling not to want too much while she starved for any form of affection. She was his wife…and she wanted him beside her tonight. He squeezed the back of his neck once again, recalling her promise to stay on her own side. He wasn't all that big on the idea of that if he did stay, although it would probably be for the best…and yet he couldn't help but remember all the times he had wished to feel her presence beside him once again; to feel the warmth of her body as she snuggled against him…to listen to the sound of her breathing, watch her smile in her sleep as she sometimes did. His heart throbbed painfully, begging him to go back…his stubborn brain throwing out caution signals.

She had said that she wanted him to stay because she wanted to be next to him…but what if it was something else as well. What if she was afraid to be alone given what had happened? Johanna was putting on a brave front for him, but he knew she was scared…and if she was feeling afraid tonight, shouldn't he stay and make her feel safe so that she could get a good night's sleep? Wasn't that his job as her husband? He did still love her after all…and he wanted to be next to her too…because that night he had held her had been the first time he had shared a bed with anyone since the last time he had shared theirs with her. He never could stomach the thought of moving on and finding someone else; and he thanked God for that now, because he would've hated to hurt someone. His heart belonged to Johanna and he would still be there with her, telling whoever else that whatever relationship they had was over. But he'd never been able to consider it…maybe some part of his heart had known that Johanna wasn't really gone. Maybe that was why he hadn't been able to betray her memory. He would've been betraying _her_ and he wouldn't have been able to look her in the face with that guilt hanging over him. He wouldn't have been able to forgive himself for that.

But could he forgive himself for walking away from her tonight? Could he really go home and find any sense of peace when he climbed into their bed alone…knowing that she was across town, needing him, wanting him there with her. It felt like it was too soon in some ways…and yet he couldn't deny that the feeling of yearning he'd been dealing with for so long had only increased since she had come back. Johanna was so much a part of him, had been for nearly forty years…and when she di…went away, he corrected, it had been like someone had blew a cannon ball threw his soul, tearing away the very fiber of his being. She was his world, his life, his soul mate, his best friend, lover, mother of his child. She had been gone for far too long, a permanent absence that he hadn't been able to fathom or accept…but he had forced himself to make peace with it because he knew that's what she'd want; that she'd want him to be a better parent to their daughter than he had been those first few years without her.

And now that absence was no longer permanent, she was back, living and breathing, he could see her and touch her, breathe in those scents that were unique to her. He could close his eyes and open them and know that she'd still be there, that she wasn't a ghost in his dreams. She was there and she was riddled with her own hurts, guilt and fears. There was so much pain in her eyes and he wished he could take it all away for her. She just wanted to be next to him tonight…was it really so much to ask? Was it really rushing things? She was trying so hard, she was being so patient…couldn't he give in just a little? She wasn't asking for anything more than his presence...but should he give in? If he gave in now, he'd probably give in more and more before he was ready; before he knew for sure what might happen.

Jim blew out a frustrated breath, what was he going to do?

* * *

Tears continued to trickle down Johanna's cheeks as she clung to the pillow that held her husband's scent. She wished that he'd call or text soon to let her know that he was home, she wanted to try to lose herself in sleep. A soft shuddering breath wracked her body. She had wanted to tell him that she loved him, but she had already said far too much by asking him to stay. A part of her wondered if he still loved her as much as she still loved him. She didn't mind that he wanted to take things slowly, but she was hungry for affection. He hadn't kissed her or spoken of love. He had only held her that once. She had no right to ask for affection and she didn't dare try to initiate it. But she wanted it…she needed it and ached for it.

Johanna closed her eyes tightly; how long would it be before he decided that he couldn't do this? How long before she gave up trying to reach her stubborn daughter? Maybe they had been better off without her. Maybe she had only made things worse. She felt that dark blanket of depression creeping up on her and she didn't fight it. Maybe if Jim called before he came over the next day she'd ask him not to…she'd take the day to get herself pulled together and he'd probably be relieved to have some space from her.

A knock sounded at her door and she stifled a groan. She turned on the light and quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped her cheeks. A second knock sounded as she pulled on her robe. "Who is it?" Johanna asked.

"It's me," Jim's voice called back.

Her heart skipped as she moved to the door but she knew that he hadn't come back to stay with her. Maybe he had forgotten something, maybe his wallet had fallen out of his pocket and she hadn't noticed it lying on the floor. She released the lock and opened the door. "What did you forget?" she asked; hoping that she was hiding the evidence of her tears well enough.

Jim shifted on his feet, an invisible knife going through his heart as he studied her face, realizing that she had allowed herself to cry once he had been gone. "I didn't forget anything."

"Is something wrong with the car?"

"No…I just…I don't really feel like driving home," he replied. "Like you said, it's late and I'm tired…and I don't want you worrying about me being on the road this late…I know how you've always worried when I drive late at night. So I thought if the invitation still stood to stay here…"

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Johanna asked softly.

He nodded. "Yes."

"Why?"

Jim moved into her room and closed the door behind him. "Because I want to be next to you too," he said quietly; reaching out and wiping away the dampness on her cheek that she had missed when she had wiped her face with the tissue. "So can I stay here with you tonight?"

"Yes," she whispered; wishing more than anything that she could move into his arms and kiss him but she couldn't and she curled her hands at her sides to keep herself from reaching out.

He smiled softly, this thumb brushing against her cheek as he cupped her face and then he leaned closer and brushed his lips against her cheek. "Go on to bed, sweetheart; I'll be there in a minute."

" _Sweetheart,"_ her eyes fluttered close and the word rolled through her brain on repeat as he moved into the bathroom. It had been thirteen long years since she had heard him call her sweetheart outside the realm of her dreams. Hearing it now soothed something in her heart and lifted that depression that she had been willing to give in to. She re-locked the door and moved back to her bed, dropping her robe once again and turned out the lights figuring that the TV would provide Jim with enough light to find his way to the bed. She curled up on her side at the edge of the bed, telling herself that she'd do everything in her power to keep her word to stay there.

Jim exited the bathroom and dropped his shirt and pants onto the chair with the clothes she had been wearing earlier and then he crossed the room to the bed and slipped into the vacant place beside his wife. "You don't have to be so far over there," he told her. "You can't be very comfortable curled up on the edge like that."

"I promised," she murmured.

"You could still move over a little…this empty space in the middle of the bed reminds me of when we'd fight and you'd cling to the edge all night so that you wouldn't touch me.

"I remember. Do you mind if I leave the TV on?"

"Have I ever?"

"No, I guess not."

"I guess you never kicked that habit," Jim remarked.

"It's a cemented habit instead of an occasional one now," she replied.

He believed that, he thought to himself as he turned onto his side and reached across the expanse of the bed and laid a hand on her waist. She wanted him there but her demeanor was somewhat rigid. He wanted her to relax, to be at ease with him as she had been. He shouldn't have left…but he hadn't gotten further than the parking lot so hopefully that counted for something. Maybe she just needed to know that he wanted to be there with her…that touching her would let her know that he was okay with some contact.

"My arm will probably get tired from reaching like this," he said after a few minutes; realizing that she wasn't losing the tense feeling in her body as his thumb caressed her side while his hand remained at her hip. He knew that she was struggling with the boundaries, trying to stick to the one she imposed upon herself instead of allowing her body to relax so that she could sleep. "You don't have to worry about what you said, Jo…it's not like I'm going to leave if you brush up against me."

Johanna scooted back from the edge a little but not so much that she'd invade his space. She didn't want him to think that she was pressuring him somehow. The warmth of his hand seeped through the dark green cotton of her nightgown, soothing her as his thumb continued to move in soft circles against her side.

"Turn over so I can see you," her husband gently commanded.

She did as he asked, her green eyes meeting his blue ones in the glow of the TV's light. "It's going to be alright," he murmured.

"What is?"

"You and me," Jim answered as he held her gaze. "I know it's hard right now but it's going to be alright."

A small smile touched her lips and wobbled as she swallowed hard. "I hope so."

"It will," he replied; his fingertips brushing away a tear that had dropped onto her cheek. "I don't want you to cry anymore tonight, you'll give yourself a headache. Do you still get those migraines?"

"Yes," she answered, reveling in the feel of his fingers slipping into her hair as he moved a little closer.

"Then we don't want you getting one of those. You sleep now…I'm here."

Her eyes fluttered shut against her will as his fingers threaded through her hair. "Thank you," she whispered.

Jim shifted on impulse and brushed a soft kiss against her forehead. "You don't have to thank me."

Johanna wanted to snuggle up against him as sleepiness crashed over her but she reminded herself that she couldn't. He continued to thread his fingers through her hair, knowing that it always soothed her and lulled her to sleep. A shuddering breath crossed her lips as she gave in to sleep, her body relaxing slightly.

Her husband remained awake for awhile longer, watching her, thinking about how small she looked curled up on her side of the bed. He just wanted to scoop her up and take her away somewhere where he could keep her safe…somewhere for just the two of them, where they could heal and make up for lost time and get back to where they needed to be. He released a weighted breath, he should reach across the small amount of space and gather her into his arms…and yet he held back, only allowing his fingers to slip from her hair so that he could seek out her hand. He curled his hand around hers gently, content for now for with that contact. Soon he drifted to sleep.

* * *

Deep sleep eluded Jim as he remained somewhat aware of his wife being next to him but he was pulled from his light slumber sometime in the middle of the night when he heard her whimper. His eyes flicked open and he shifted onto his side so that he could see her face. She was still asleep but her features showed signs of distress and she whimpered once more, his name falling from her lips in anguish. He laid his hand against her cheek, his thumb moving against her cheek bone. "It's alright, sweetheart; I'm right here…I'm right here next to you."

He kept murmuring assurances to her and finally she relaxed and her features softened as her dreams changed course. He waited a few minutes and then reluctantly turned his back to her. He wouldn't have but his right shoulder sometimes ached and this was one of those times. Within minutes of turning onto his left side, he felt the familiar feeling of Johanna snuggling up against his back. She had always had a habit of wrapping herself around his back. It felt so good; he couldn't help but think as he felt the warmth of her check against the thin material of the t-shirt he had left on, her arm slipping around him. He could feel her body relaxing more as she laid against him, instead of the somewhat tense feeling she had fallen asleep maintaining, but then, as if some part of her sleep drenched mind realized what she had done, she jerked and he knew that she was awake.

Johanna's eyes opened and as she had thought, she found herself pressed up against her husband's back. She needed to move…she had promised…and yet she couldn't, not just yet. She pressed her cheek more firmly against his back for a minute, soaking up the feel so that it would last her for awhile, then she started to pull away, telling herself to move back to her side…but Jim reached behind him and caught hold of her and held her in place.

"It's fine," he said quietly. "Stay where you are and go back to sleep."

She hesitated for a second but then laid back down against his back, but she kept her arms from winding around him like she normally would've done. It was enough to just be able to lay next to him…that he allowed her to move as close as she was.

Jim laid awake, feeling her body relaxing once more, and listening to the sound of her breathing evening out as sleep swiftly reclaimed her. It wasn't the same as holding her…but it was close enough for now, and with that thought in mind, he drifted into a deeper sleep.

* * *

The next morning after he had finished getting dressed, Jim approached the bed once more. Johanna was still asleep, curled up under the covers in the center of the mattress. He smiled slightly as he studied her; he hated to wake her but he didn't want her to wake up alone with nothing but a note from him. She might take that as some form of rejection and he didn't want that. She was fragile; he had to be careful with her.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out, brushing her hair back from her face. "Jo."

She didn't budge so he gave her a gentle shake. "Johanna."

Her heavy eyelids flicked open and blinked rapidly to clear away the haze of sleep. "Hmm?"

"You're still cute when you're sleepy," he said with a soft laugh.

She smirked at him but the comment seemed to make her more alert. "What time is it?" she asked as she scrubbed a hand over her face.

"It's 8:30," he replied. "I have to head home. I need to change clothes and then I have to pick up Andrew and his daughter at 10:30 and take them to the airport."

Johanna nodded, recalling that he had mentioned that the day before. "Gabriella, right?" she asked in reference to his brother's child. He had been updating her on the status of his family for the last few days.

"Yes, but she prefers Gabby."

"Gabby," she repeated. "She's 12?"

"For a few more months. She'll be 13 in September."

It was odd to think that she had a young niece that she didn't know. A niece who she hadn't gotten to spoil and who was growing up without her. It was just one more thing that she had been robbed of and her heart ached at the knowledge. The sentiment must've shown on her face for her husband gave her a sympathetic smile. "I'll take a picture of her and I'll show it to you when I come back this afternoon."

"That would be nice," she replied with a smile; that passing thought she'd had the night before of asking him not to come that day abandoned from the moment he had stepped back into her room.

"I know you don't want to get up but I want you to lock the door behind me."

Johanna threw back the covers and dragged herself out of bed, picking up her robe and slipping into it. She followed Jim to the door, standing by as he turned to face her. "I should be back in time to bring you lunch," he stated. "Is there anything in particular that you'd like?"

She thought about it for a moment. "Is that place still around that we used to eat lunch at all the time? The one with those salads and dressings I always loved so much?"

"Yeah, it's still in business…should I get your favorite?"

"Yes," she smiled; "I'd like that."

"I shouldn't be any later than one."

"That's fine…I'll be here."

"You better be."

"I promise," Johanna said softly.

It had been meant as a light hearted comment but he knew that she had heard something more in the way he had said it but he didn't quite know how to tell her that he hadn't meant anything by it. She'd just assure him that she'd understand if he had meant something and he didn't want to go through all of that.

"I'll see you later," he said instead as he reached for the doorknob.

"Jim…"

"Yeah?" he asked as he turned to face her once again.

Johanna reached for his hand and he allowed her to take it. "Thank you."

His brow furrowed in puzzlement. "For what?"

"For last night…for letting me sleep next to you."

"I told you that you didn't have to thank me for that."

"But I do," she responded; squeezing his hand. "I know it wasn't a decision you made lightly."

Jim was quiet for a moment as he held her hand and then he looked her in the eye. "I'm always going to choose you, Johanna. You should know that."

"But I don't," she replied with a shake of her head; "Not anymore and that's my fault, so I…"

"Shhh," he said, laying a finger against her lips to stop her stream of words. "I'm always going to choose you. I've always taken every opportunity to be next to you for as long as we've known each other…and I don't see that changing. Like I said last night, I know it's hard, but it'll be alright. We'll get through this…I want you to believe that."

Johanna nodded; she wanted to believe it…needed to believe it so desperately because she wouldn't know what to do in a world where there was no hope at all for them…and yet she couldn't help but feel like things were so unsure and she wished that she just had some sort of sign…some sort of reassurance to match the words that he wanted her to believe in. He touched her chin, drawing her attention back to his eyes as he stepped closer. Her breath caught as his head dipped quickly, brushing a soft chaste kiss against her lips. The feather light pressure of his lips against hers didn't last as long as she would've liked…and it wasn't the kiss she craved and dreamed of sharing with him again…but it was enough. She could hold onto this for a little while…and maybe it was that sign of reassurance that she needed; maybe he had sensed it and gave it to her…allowing her to hope for the day when it would be something more than a mere brush of lips.

"I have to go. Keep the door locked until I get back."

"I promise," she murmured again as he unlocked the door and opened it and stepped into the hallway.

They said goodbye and she shut and locked the door, leaning against it for a moment, her fingers brushing across her lips. He was right, it was hard…but it was already getting to be a bit better between them. She just had to be patient and she had to keep working on it…but there was a glimmer of hope glowing somewhere inside of her. Maybe someday soon he'd stay without her making it an option. Maybe someday soon, she'd be going home with him.

Home…she just wanted to go home. If she could just go home and be next to him every night. Johanna sighed and shook her head; it was best not to get too ahead of herself…things could change on a dime, she knew that all too well. He could always change his mind. The past could catch up with her and deal her the fate she had been destined for.

"No," she whispered into the quietness of the room. She didn't want to think about either of those things. It would be better just to think about Jim and how nice it had been to be next to him again…and that he'd be back in a few hours. With those more pleasing thoughts in mind, she moved into the bathroom to go through her usual morning routines.


End file.
